Far Away…

Sitting here just contemplating so much… I realize just how naive I am and how I give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  I live by the motto that “your word is bond” when people sometimes  majority of the time talk just to say something.  As I get older people never cease to amaze me at how elaborately they can say certain things and do the total opposite of what they said.  I guess this is one of the life lessons that I have had to learn and learn it the hard way.  I guess I just have to take life one day at a time and just do my best to do the right thing and be a woman of my word.  And I have to definitely not make any promises that I can’t keep…

With All This LOVE…

I have definitely realize that I love romance.  I love LOVE.  I like to spend time with someone who only sees me in a room full of people… is that bad?  I just wonder do I crave attention because I feel that I never had much attention from others.  Maybe this post is so bad or maybe this post is just one of my many rants that makes me be looked upon as a real person that deals with real life emotions.  I’ve loved a few in my lifetime and I wonder did they truly love me back… I just feel like LOVE can be fickle at times but then it can be the most beautiful thing in the world when you least expect it to…

New Year, New Me…

Blah, blah, blah… so cliche!  Happy New Year All and I know I am a month late, but I have been in a fog lately.  I was thinking a new year, life has got to get much better.  Truth is the things that I am currently going through may be for my total good, but man this is crazy.  On January 6, 2019 my life took on a huge change… I lost my first love/ex-fiance.  We had an interesting dynamic, but I can say through this Cancer journey when I chose to tell him about what was going on, he continually checked up on me making sure that I was good.  We talked about so much but it was interesting that I feel I did not truly know about him entirely until he passed.  I do understand now why things went the way they did, but I can truly say I loved him and I want him to rest peacefully.

Now it is on to new beginnings and I am fearful of what to come but I am excited in the same breath.  I am still pushing towards greatness for this year.  I have a 40th birthday this year and that is truly a blessing.  I am planning where I want to be for that specific day!  I am making new friends and just enjoying life. I miss a few friends who have chosen to walk out of my life but I am realizing I can no longer cry over spilled milk or the choices that others make.  I have to move on and make my own choices for my life.  I thank God for life and allowing me to live and learn more as I progress in life. I am truly not trying to rush anything at this point I am allowing God to guide me and I am going to walk in the path in which He wants me to go.  I wish you all many blessings for 2019!!!

Indifferent…

Back at work, back to life… that is my reality right now.  It is interesting how when you are down everyone kicks you and pushes you to the side, when you are back on your feet they start to remember you again.  This process, this journey, this path has really taught me a lot.  I apologize for anyone that I left in the cold or was not there for them when they truly needed me.  Moving forward I will not apologize my stance of doing what is best for me.  I have put so many before myself, that I feel that I have hindered myself from reaching the greatness and success that was accessible to me in life.  I am starting to gather my strength, get my barrings, and truly figure out what I want in life, out of life, and how I want my life to play out.  Yes, a ball of mixed emotions for me at this time… I am really loving being back at work.  Educating is my love and my passion!

Here…

As I sit here and look at my reflection in the computer screen while it is hibernating, I began to think how did I get here…  Was it me being too passive and indecisive about my life… Was it me trying to fight for something that I should have let go of a long time ago… Was it me just making poor life decisions… It was probably a combination of them all.  So what do I do now… Moving forward I will no longer leave my life and circumstances to chance.  I will be intentional about my life moving forward.  If I don’t like it or feel that it is not for me, guess what I am going to stand my ground on it and not care what others think or say.  This is my life, my choice and I am going to live my best life regardless of what people say or think!  Life is truly about living and learning and I have learned a lot thus far and I will be learning a lot more as I continue to live.  Thank you God for your enlightenment, healing, and deliverance!

This Post Right Here…

Scrolling through facebook and what do I see other than a post about cheating from the cheater himself (my soon to be ex-husband).  I swear I feel like I was slapped so hard in the face and was told “Wake the Fuck Up!”  The post is as follows… The words that I have expressed on so many occasions Thanks for giving us your insight my Mighty Man brother *********** This is a Relationship Must Read #TheManhoodChronicles : All men don’t cheat and all men that cheat aren’t cheating because they are sex crazed. This is the part that most women will never understand. Fact there are some men that cheat just for sex , but the fact is if you respect your men, support his dreams, talk to him like a king, build with him instead of building off of him ,you are least likely to get cheated on. Men want to be respected and heard, the moment you talk down to him you have began the chain affect that is called infidelity. Men will always see other women that are attractive , but when you pour into a men exactly what you want poured into you, that man want ever considered risking you over nothing. The women that your husband /boyfriend will cheat with mit not look better then you, they mit not have a better body then yours, they mit not have more education then you , they mit not even be financially secure. But they won’t insult your guy the way you do they will talk to him with respect, they will make him feel like he can conquer the world. Stop acting like you are his only choice and you will be his only choice. And might This sums it up for me being the fool that I am waiting for things to get better but you feel that you don’t mind risking our relationship, my health, my solitude over your selfish feelings.  Wow thanks for this true and real wake up call.  So I will tell any female that has repetitive cheater on their hands to walk away and just let it go because that man does not respect you or the family that you have together with feelings like this.

Watching It All Crumble

I do believe that sometimes things have to fall apart so that things can be rebuilt on a better foundation and that is the direction that I feel that my life is going in.  These last few months I have had so many things come to an end in my life.  I have to think to myself did I say the prayer of God let anything or any person that is not for me fall out my life because the way that life has been going for me makes me surely feel that way during this time.  Going through a period of loss and of refinement can be ohhh so rough, but I am definitely keeping my eye on the prize which would be the end results of this and how much better of a person I will be from all of this.  It is difficult to see the ones you love walk away from you, but God makes no mistakes and life is all about living and learning!  Living and Learning are the key things that we are here for because if you are not doing one or the other you have to be dead, so be thankful that you are able to learn that hard lesson because that means that you are living!!!

Enjoy the Moment

Enjoy the Moment

If there is one thing that I would go back and tell my younger self it would be relax, sit back and enjoy the moment.  I was just sitting back thinking about all of the fun moments in my life when I just had so much fun and very memorable experiences.  Life was exciting and new adventures were lurking everywhere.  God has truly blessed my life.  The connections I have made in the past has truly enriched my life.  Just overall my experiences I know have made me into the awesome woman that I am today.  The book is coming soon…

In Awe…

Good morning,

As I sit here thinking, it is just amazing how things work, how things go, and how life flows.  I am praying that I can get back to the place that I was, where I was so hopeful about life, that I felt that I could accomplish whatever I put my mind to, but all of those positive thoughts just seem so far away.  I do have my life and my health is better, so I am excited about that, but as far as my future I still feel in shambles.  By this age I was supposed to have so much more, accomplish so much more, be so much more.  It is amazing that I feel like blaming everyone else for where I am, when I can only blame myself.  I realize now, I have to take the necessary steps to be happy within my life.  No one can provide that happiness for me.  I guess I have been sitting back analyzing this “Game of Life” and it does not seem too fair or even too great, but maybe it is because of what I allowed in my life and what I allowed to happen during my life.  Sometimes we never take the time just to sit back and analyze things, but thank God for allowing me the time just to observe what life is all about and to get clear on what I want and what I need to do.

Wow

Solid relationships that you think you have can sometimes be so shaky.  This journey has really been very interesting.  They said on this journey you will find out who your true friends are and how strangers become the friends that will be there.  The ones who you thought you could truly depend on become ghost to your situation.  God is really opening my eyes to some things and I am grateful.  Your friends and family that you think will be there for the long haul start to disappear and you just realize that you are on your own.  Wow!

Research

I have been deep into the research over my life.  I have given up on everyone else’s opinion and learning to listen to my intuition.  God has made me an intuitive being and I need to trust in that.  My intuition is telling me so much right now and just trying to live in #MyTRUTH…

Getting Over It

So here I stand without reservations.  Moving on to fulfill my purpose.  I got my zest back for life and all of the fullness that is within it.  Had a great time this weekend with friends and family and remembering who I am.  Actually a great conversation I had Saturday morning sparked a whole new desire in my heart… a desire that is full of passion and will take my dedication.  Also reading my natal chart did me some good and reminded me of how “vivacious” I am.  The one repeated characteristic was “overcomer”.  Lord knows I have overcame many obstacles throughout the years but my most difficult ones within the past year or so.  I definitely know what I want in my life and out of my life.  So it is time to be intentional in all of the things that I do and to have good heart while doing them.  I swear I am so FREAKING AWESOME and you are too!  Don’t let anyone make you feel anything less!

Not bad for an “Overcomer” of Breast Cancer and many other obstacles of life…

Quick Update

So I am feeling much better than last week and I truly have to thank God!  Sorting through so many emotions and so many other things can leave you quite drained.  I thank God for my church family and prayer.  I can see some light at this end of the tunnel…

Down and Out

I am trying to fight it, but it has such a stronghold on me at this time.  I am trying to release all of the negativity, but it just keeps holding on.  Searching for something or someone but it is just not there.  Feeling alone and unloved… ohhh what a cold cold world we live in.  Promises are meant to be broken and everything good is well you know the rest.  Just trying to figure out what is next for me or is this where I stop.  I just want the pain and the sadness to go away… tired of crying about what is not and the would of ‘s and the could of’s.  Just ready for CHANGE!

After All Is Said And Done…

So two weeks ago I had the bilateral mastectomy and today I feel so indifferent about it.  It seems that my life has totally changed.  If my children were not around I don’t know what I would do. I also thank God for my mother who has been here 100%. I have understood for a long time that we should not put our faith in man because man will fail us each and every time, but I did have some faith in my loved ones… until this happened.  I just feel so hurt and alone because I have always struggled with did I make the right decision.  I have lived with so many regrets for such a long time.  It seems when life does not go in the way in which I would like for it to go, I begin to think about if I would have made a different decision in the past would my life be like this today.  I definitely know that this is a bad and unhealthy way to live.  I have to be ok in whatever I decide and live with it and be accountable for my life.  I have to stop with this perfectionist thing, because I truly want things to go perfect, but would life be life if everything was all sunshine and rainbows.  Would we learn to trust in God and humble ourselves, if everything went the way we wanted it to?  I know in life there is so much to learn, but it can be so difficult at times when you hit those bumps in the road or you are standing face to face with the biggest obstacle in your life.  Cancer is a thing of the past for me and I thank God for my healing and deliverance, but it is now time to make me whole again and to truly work on living life to the fullest and with no regrets!

Good News

I went to the doctor February 5, 2018 and was told that I had a complete reaction to the chemotherapy, which means I am NED ( no evidence of disease).  This was the best news during this time.  Cancer makes your life so uncertain.  All you have is your faith to know that everything will be alright as long as you have God by your side.  I am meeting with the surgeons now to have a BMX (bl-lateral mastectomy).  Why you ask?  I had to understand this process myself… Due to me having the BRCA1 gene or the Breast Cancer gene, they say I have a greater chance of re-occurrence.  I do not want that, so I am opting to have the surgery done and I am thinking of it as the boob job I really wanted back in the day… or hell maybe even today!  I did used to think of getting a boob job because my breast were barely a full b-cup when I am at my prime weight.  All of my cousins and other family have much bigger breast than me… but I digress on that.  I think this is the best way for me to process all of this is that I can finally get the breast size that I desired.  I know it sounds kind of strange, but when you get lemons you can either embrace the sourness of them or you can turn them into the sweetest lemonade you have ever tasted and that is what I am choosing to do “make the greatest lemonade ever”!

Rejection

We all have dealt with it, but many of us react differently to it.  It can hurt like hell most of the time, but then it can be a blessing in disguise that we don’t realize it at the time. A lot of times when we act off of a rejection it gets us in some type of trouble.  We can fall into trouble in many ways by over shopping, over eating, over compensating for what we may have felt caused the rejection, promiscuity, and other sins.  But if we take the time to regroup and make ourselves whole we could avoid a majority of the troubles we get into.

People reject others not necessarily to hurt that person, but because they may be seeking something that you are just not able to fulfill.  It is not your fault and you have to see that there is so much more out there in the world.  So if that man or woman has let you go, thank God and allow God to send that one who is truly for you.  If you have been let go from a job… breathe and allow God to guide your next steps so that you can walk into your career and not another temporary position.  If you are feeling rejection from a family member, allow God to fill what you need from that individual and keep you whole and pray that that person receives what they need to make them whole also.  Same thing with friends, they may be dealing with something that they might not reveal to you, but they may need you to pray for them and be there when they are ready.  It may seem hard to do all of this at first, but remember God has purpose for all of us and sometimes those things or people that we want don’t align with our purpose and can cause us to get off course.  God has to remove some things or people so that you can be back on the right path of your purpose.

I pray that all of you are able to find your purpose and live purposefully through the rejection that life may show you!

New Year

Shall I say New Year, New Me… no I don’t think so.  Well sort of, I am always improving myself to be the best possible Me that I can be.  This year started off kind of sombersome, me being by myself bringing in the new year watching 227.  I promise next year will be different (note to self).  I am saying Good Bye to cancer and ready to truly live out my next 50 or plus years being true to myself.   I am currently reading The Year of the Yes with Coach Mo on facebook and I feel that this will be great in helping me turn a lot of negatives in my life around. Yesterday I did my to do list, so I am seeing some progress there.  I just have to tackle what I am saying Yes to this month… setting realistic and some unrealistic goals and achieving them!  I feel that I have been restraining myself from a lot of things that I want to do over the years due to the situation I am in, but no longer can I refrain myself from being truly happy.  So I am going to take a step back and write down a lot of the things that make me happy and start implementing that into my life this year.  The funny thing is I can start to feel a lot of that rigidness starting to break off and it feels GREAT!!!

What are you expecting from yourself this new year?  Write it down and make it plain… you can achieve it all!

It is Done…

Yesterday 12/6/2017 was my last day of Chemo!!! I am so very excited that that phase of my life is over!  I am so ready to get my life back on track and not have to worry about any of this disease that was placed here to try and take me out, but I know that God got me and I do not have to worry!  It has been said too many times that I shall live and not die and my life shall be a testimony to the goodness of our Lord!  God has been too good to me and have been here through many trials and tribulations to give up on me now! I am thanking God for my miracle right now, because I believe in miracles and that the Lord can give you the desires of your heart… so I am pressing on with full healing and I am walking in my wholeness, completeness, and perfectness!!!  I love the Lord and I know that He loves me!

Lost…

I feel so depressed, like I have no control over anything… maybe it is the meds that I am on or maybe it is just the reality of my life right now.  I have always been able to set out goals for myself and see myself achieve them, but at this time in my life it is hard to see anything past today.  I hate feeling like this… there is so much of the world I want to see and things that I do want to accomplish.  This is so ohh very depressing.  I am praying that God open my eyes to what He has in store for my future.

This Weekend

This Weekend

I had a very busy weekend… I got a chance to worship God with some of my friends this weekend and make a Vision Board for 2018.  My friend got saved this weekend and that was a great thing!  I was excited to know that she gave her life to the Lord and that I did my part in inviting her to the event.  God sets things up in such a way that I am just so grateful!  The Saturday event is where I got my Vision Board together!  This was a lot of fun, because this was the first time I made one and I got a chance to be intentional with what I want for my life within the next year.  I see the goals that I posted on my Vision Board coming true and I can truly envision myself taking part in each and every item that I placed on there.  My Vision Board is posted below and follow as I post about achieving everything on it!

Brokenness… on My Way to Wholeness

Brokenness… on My Way to Wholeness

So it took me a while to realize this, but then it became clear that I should write this out…

When did I become broken…

Was it when I last saw my dad at the age of 1 or 2 and haven’t heard or seen him since…

Was it when my ex fiance lied to me about everything and may still be lying to this day…

Was it when I got married and my husband did not know how to treat me properly…

Was it when I was told I must get over all of the hurt by him and to move on without the proper explanation or apology…

Maybe I allowed it, but I wanted my family to be complete and now…

Has my feelings just changed…

Brokenness can be such a heavy thing…

But to thyself I must be true, I am Whole, Healthy, and Complete

My faith and trust is in the Lord because He is not man that He shall lie!

Tired…

This video hit every sentimental bone in my body yesterday because I truly was feeling tired.  It kind of got to me and really made me think about why I am pushing to make it through this and how #RestorationIsMyPeace and I will walk mercifully and blessed withing God’s words for my life.  Cancer is an everyday battle and journey that you can’t take lightly, but you can see the light at the end of the tunnel if you stay focused!   I thank God that I am feeling much better today.

2016

This was the year that I made a huge change… I lost the weight that was starting to really impact my life.  I have always been on the heavier side when it comes to weight.  I never was the skinny mini in the group or the one who could fit anything under a size 10.  I have always had my thickness which could be call girth, fat, and other things depending on your interpretation of things.  Did I long to be a smaller size yes I did, but never understood how much power I had to make it happen.  For years I took the easy way out and lost the weight using the phentermine pills, but the only thing about that is once you are off of them and your appetite returns you usually double your original size before you started or in my case I got pregnant each time I took those pills for a while.  And you know with a baby, weight just comes back on as if it was waiting around the corner to return to its home.

I took control of my situation when the doctor said she needed to retest my blood glucose because it was very high and I might need medication.  I said the devil is a liar, although diabetes is a part of my family’s history, but I wanted no parts of it.  Because I wanted no parts of it I decided to take my health in my own hands and loose some weight.  Through me hiring a nutritionalist I learned how to eat healthy and the weight started coming off.  I stopped eating all of the sugary foods and pastas, I added veggies to every meal, and I cut out the beef and the pork.  I am still trying to stick to this diet, but it has been hard with the situation I am going through now (you can look at My Challenge for details).  I thank the Lord for giving me the strength and the will power to take control of health situation.  I overall lost about 50 pounds.  I am maintaining it, but once this challenge is over I am going vegetarian.  I just have to do some research to find out to supplement the nutrition that meat gives you.

Here is a before and after pic 2016 vs. 2015…

A year can make a huge difference!

Today…

I was on social media and I came across this and it is so very true…

I’M NOT CONTAGIOUS, I HAVE CANCER

I heard those words “You have cancer”. I immediately got numb. It can’t be. Not me. Who do I tell? Who can help? Well we usually start with our best friends. They’ll understand. They’ll help and hold my hand through this. Of course I’ll tell family. They’ve known me all my live. They’ll understand what’s happening.

Now comes time for appointments with so many doctors. With a breast surgeon, an oncologist, a reconstruction surgeon, a radiologist and who knows how many more doctors. As more things are dumped on us it all becomes a blur. Scared and confused I call friends. Surly my friends will support me. The biggest appointment at the start of this journey is with the breast surgeon. It would be wonderful to have a friend hold my hand. I called one, then another and yet another. None of them are able to go with me. They have other things to do. Well, knowing I’ll be alone, I threw my shoulders back, held my head high and moved forward by myself. The surgeon told me that this beast called cancer was Triple Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC) add is the most aggressive breast cancer there is. Without its removal there’s a high probability of dying, but if you remove the tumor and do subsequent treatments your chances of living are increased. Now there are different procedures I had to consider. A lumpectomy, which is just the removal of the lump called a tumor, a single mastectomy, which removes the entire breast with the tumor or a double mastectomy, which removes both breasts so cancer can’t spread to the the uninvolved breast. Wow! That’s a tough decision to make alone. Where are you my friends? Why did you leave me alone? I’m not contagious, I have cancer. Well, I just sigh and go on to make the best decision I can.

Now comes the day of surgery. We’ve had time to research what will happen. We’ve watched YouTube videos about the procedure, which makes us more nervous. But, we at least know what’s going to happen. Where are you my friend. I just need you to hold my hand. I’m not contagious, I’ve got cancer.

The tumor is gone and in 24 hours I’m sent home. Being in pain and discomfort, we must fight on. We find a way to store the drains (which is what I lovingly called the torpedoes) so they’re not totally obvious, a port to make chemo easier to administer chemo and go on with our daily routine. I have to chuckle because yesterday I had breasts and today I have a large incision, no breasts, tubes, pain from the amputated body part, but we must fight on. I’m not contagious my friend, I have cancer.

Now for the really fun time. Time for chemo, which I affectionately called the drip. Three hours of sitting and having poison pumped into our veins. Where are you my friend? I need you my friend. I’m tired and weak and I need you. I’m not contagious, I have cancer.

As more chemo is pumped into our body we get weaker and weaker. We also start losing our hair, our beautiful beautiful hair. I lost everything that made me a woman. Again I cried, where are you my friend? I need you. I promise, I’m not contagious, I have cancer.

By now I feel so alone. Where have my friends gone. I really thought they would understand. I really thought they would support me, but they disappeared. I don’t understand, I’m not contagious, I have cancer.

By now I feel totally alone. I really wasn’t though. Through social media I find others going through the same things I was going through. I started to meet people. We share and discuss what we’re going through. But you know what? They are going , or have been going through the same things. Now we have someone to talk to. We share experiences and illnesses. We laugh, cry and mourn together. We’ve become sisters. I’ve even gotten the opportunity to meet some and hug them. They know we’re not contagious, we only have cancer.

Written by Claire Newby Comnick
The Sock Warrior

Thank God

I am thanking God for my journey.  I am thanking God for His Grace & Mercy on my life.  I am thanking God for putting the right people in place at the right time that shows me that I am blessed.  I am thanking God for being a provider and a way maker.  I am thanking Jesus for sacrificing, so that I may have life and life abundantly.  I am just so very thankful that God has been working in my life and opening my eyes to see things clearly.  I am forever thankful and grateful that I am blessed and that God got me!

Feel Good, Look Better Class

This past Monday had some fun with my fellow Pink Sisters.  A free class given to cancer patients is the Feel Good, Look Better Class where they show you how to make your face up and use head wraps.  I had a lot of fun because I hardly wear any make up, unless I want to show out when I go out with hubby or friends.  Anyone can sign up for these classes if you have or have had cancer.  It was a lot of fun.  You can look at the pics I shared below… #Pinktober

You can find out more information on their webpage at http://lookgoodfeelbetter.org/.

Pinktober

So I am having a little fun during my birthday month and gave it a new name just for #Pinktober17.  This is because I am taking this journey during the month of my birth and also because this is the month that raises awareness about Breast Cancer.  Today I am currently within the second week of my third chemo treatment, so I am feeling better just my sinuses are out of wack.   This past week has been a little rough due to the passing of my cousin, which was unexpected.  She was an older cousin, who looked out for me and always kept it real.  She never sugar coated nothing and we all loved her for that.  Brenda will be missed.  But I am saddened because I won’t be able to make it to my cousins funeral due to doctor’s appointments on that date.  Also my uncle has been in the hospital and we have been praying so hard that he recovers.

Back to Pinktober, I am excited because there are some fun plans that will happen this month.  Also during this time my faith is being tested in more areas and I am learning to depend and trust God even more.  I hope everyone that reads this is at peace and is blessed.

Also if you can please support my #PinktoberDeals today… more info at www.facebook.com/uniquemarketingsolutions!

Day 23

I am currently in my second treatment and things are going well, other than it being peculiarly hot outside.  I chose to do my treatment so late, so that it would be cool outside and I wouldn’t have to be as irritated as I am now due to the heat.  But other than that God is good all the time and all the time God is good!!!  So today was a little emotional, my hair came out… pics below.  I knew it was going to happen and right now I am liking the ventilation of my head due to this 90 something degree weather.  I just know God is going to give me 10 times more than what the enemy thought he stole!!! I know all things are possible through the Lord and that is where my faith lies.  I was feeling well today and keeping myself hydrated.  i chose not to cook due to the hot weather and I decided to order Chinese food.  The kid’s choice….  I am enjoying spending time with my children and loving on them more and more each day!

That Word

When they delivered the news that I supposedly had cancer, I just thought to myself how can that ugly word come out of your mouth about me.  That is something that wouldn’t be associated with me.  No one in my immediate family dealt with it, none of my closest friends have dealt with it, and it cannot be a part of my world.  But the reality of it was, this has become my truth and this is something that I would not wish or pass on to anyone else.

My diagnosis given on July 13th was TNBC.  The big bad wolf of all of the BCs… I knew nothing about this because like I said no one in my immediate circle has dealt with this.  I did not know if I wanted to even put this out here because I have so many thoughts rushing through my mind.  What about my children?  But I declared on that day that this would be my fight and this is not for them.  This will not be a curse to my blood line.  So my children will not have to deal with this nor their children or their children and so on!

It is my fight, so I will be using the full armor that God provides to fight this fight!  When things like this happen, it makes you put things into perspective.  Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed.  Cherish all the moments you have with family and friends.  Also I believe this is necessary for my next chapter in my life which is to watch my children grow, strengthen my marriage, definitely strengthen my relationship with God, and to be at peace with things that I have no control of.  I thank God every day for his healing and deliverance and for walking with me every step of the way on this journey.